Gen. Mattis to Become Aux. Officer. FTO’s Terrified

Washington, DC – The legendary Marine, General J. Mattis, now Secretary of Defense, communicated today that he will become a reserve police officer for the Washington Capital Police. SecDef Mattis indicated that he wants to ensure that homeland security includes local police forces, and as such has decided to know the roles of police officers first hand.

The General, when asked about the job said: “I have tremendous respect for police officers and will be my honor to become one and eventually lead them in their battlefield.” The news of SecDef becoming a cop were received with much enthusiasm, except for one group of officers: the Field Training Officers tasked with his training. “I’m afraid of him using his knife hand if I give him a bad review,” said officer L. Parker. Another FTO also added: “I hope he doesn’t call me a pussy for not wanting to engage criminals in infantry squad maneuvers.”

Police Blotter Five-O learned that one of the things SecDef wants to do as a police officer is to “Bring the wrath of Valhalla upon the streets of Washington, with extreme prejudice and violence of fire power.” FTO’s tasked with training the General are being put to physical, mental, and emotional training before having the General in their cars.

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