Officer to Write “Use of Force” Report After Swatting Fly Off Mayor’s Groin.

It was a warm and humid afternoon when Officer Zavala was forced to make a decision on whether to use force on a menacing insect. He chose to use force to neutralize the threat, which some perceived as “unreasonable”.

As the parade for the Veteran’s Day was taking place, Officer Zavala, who was detached to the city Mayor’s security detail, saw himself in a predicament when he observed a menacing and angry looking fly hoover around the Honorable Vincent Strauss. As the fly got closer to the Mayor’s “business” area, the officer had to make a split-second decision, and without hesitation he ran toward the Mayor, swinging his arm in front of him, successfully neutralizing the target. Unfortunately his actions caused a minor health scare as he deprived the Mayor of breath, and made the honorable politician produce a high-pitching sound that disturbed many dogs participating in the parade.

“I am no hero”, said Officer Zavala, who further stated that he would do it all over again, although he would consider not smashing the Mayor’s cojones in the process. While his actions may be seen as heroic to some and moronic to others, Zavala had to follow departmental procedure and document the incident as a Use of Force one, including statements from witnesses, pictures of the deceased fly, and of the Mayor’s prune-colored balls.

The courageous actions of this officers, while reasonable in nature, have cost him his position as security adviser for the Mayor, and have landed him in the agency’s sanitary budgeting detail. The officer’s labor union is working to ensure the officer receives the recognition he deserves. “That fly could have carried a black plague disease and infected the Mayor,” said John Walkins, a rep from the National Officers Union. When explained that the black plague has been dead since the 18th century, Mr. Walkins replied: “That’s just communist propaganda!!.” No other comments were available.

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